If you're new to foster parenting, going out to dinner with extended family and your foster children may not seem like a harrowing affair. But social events can be more challenging and complex than you realize at first. Because one of the most important things that parents (birth, adoptive, or foster) do for their children is confer a sense of social responsibility to their children and teach them about social norms and values, you may be surprised at how complicated social events can be. Your foster children may have little or no real training on proper social behaviors, which can make social events embarrassing and uncomfortable for you and for them. Handling social events is something that you'll want to prepare for early and think about in depth before you actually head out to a restaurant with the kids or a social gathering with friends.
I remember our first set of foster children.
It was a boy and a girl ages 5 and 7 respectively. These two kids had been raised by schizophrenic drug addicts and they had some unsettling beliefs about the world. Neither had ever used a fork to eat and they didn't know that it wasn't okay to touch a hot stove. These two children were put in our home as an “emergency placement” in the middle of the night. The next day my biological daughter had dance classes and so we took her and our new foster children and headed into the city.
The two children had never seen a dance class and quite possibly didn't even know that such things existed. They were shy, embarrassed, and somewhat awed. My husband and I sat through the class with these two children on our laps, squiggling around, feeling good about ourselves, having exposed these two children to some new activity. We were heroically broadening their horizons. We were on a bit of a high when dance class ended and it was time for lunch at the nearby pancake restaurant. When we took these two to the restaurant, we didn't know that they had no experience with forks, or that they were socially inept little people. It was an interesting experience, to say the least. People looked down their noses at us, never thinking that these children were foster children and not the product of our negligence. I've never been very sensitive to this sort of closed-mindedness from well-meaning adults, but I hadn't expected our foster children to use their fingers to eat pancakes and I'm sure a look of shock crossed my face a few times. Needless to say, I didn't bother finishing my own sausages or my eggs. I didn't have much of an appetite at all by the end of the day.
I didn't realize at that time that most foster children would be lacking in social skills that many children with intact families had mastered by a similar age. Foster children have often been too focused on physical necessities and survival to worry about social norms and values. A 7-year-old foster child may behave like a 3 year old in public. A 12-year-old foster child may act more like a 5 year old. Depending on your foster child and what sorts of thing he or she has contended with in the home, you may have to do a crash course (or two) in manners and social responsibility.
Social skills aren't learned over night. Foster children will need to be trained on how to behave toward others. Plan on using repetition to really educate them properly. If you have a major social event coming up, you may want to practice things like using forks, how to share, or how to keep your clothes on throughout an entire outing. Keep your sense of humor about the situation and remember, your foster children probably never had the opportunity to learn these skills in the past. Be prepared to take the heat if your foster children don't adhere to all the social norms and rules of the event and stay cool. Most foster children will learn how to behave appropriately on social outings as part of your family, given enough time and patience.
Social norms and rules are important, but some of them can be bent from time to time. People in the United States expect children as young as age 2 to adhere strictly to social norms and rules. Other cultures aren't so strict with their children and understand that children will learn social behaviors over time with exposure to social situations and a little parental guidance. If you're concerned about your foster child behaving inappropriately at social events, it may be possible to discuss some of your child's behaviors with other people who will be attending the event in some instances to get adults to collaborate in helping teach your foster child social norms. Or it may be more appropriate to seek respite for your foster child until he or she is able to deal with the pressures of socialization.
Remember, other foster parents all across the United States struggle with similar issues related to their foster child's social behaviors. Teaching your foster child how to socialize and behave in public situations is one of your biggest and most important tasks as a foster parent. Work with your foster child on social behaviors daily and maintain a sense of humor about the process. Eventually, the social rules will sink into your foster child. A few years down the road your foster child may be teaching younger siblings how to behave appropriately out in public.
Handling Social Events With Your Foster Children