Aristotle counseled Alexander the Great to “Know Thyself”. Today, that's still good advice. As a foster parent, it's your job to not only know yourself but to help the young people in your care tune in and know themselves as well.
Foster homes are no place for shame. If you feel ashamed of yourself, or you like to keep big secrets then foster parenting may not be for you. Foster homes need to be places that openly explore scary thoughts and emotions with honesty and courage. Foster parents need to be open to knowing their foster child. Often, this means imagining situations and emotions that you've never been in or had before.
Children need a reflective surface in order to learn about who they really are.
If they have to be ashamed of their past, or their thoughts and feelings, they never have the opportunity to see themselves through another person's eyes. As their foster parent, it is your job to teach your foster child about the world, it is their job to teach you about themselves. Maintaining openness to learning about someone who has had a radically different life, perhaps than what you had as a child is a pre-requisite for knowing your foster child.
Helping your child discover who he (or she) is is a major part of your foster parenting duties as well as an important part of bonding process. Foster parents are older and wiser than their foster children in the ways of the world. But foster children are the only ones who can discover their own personal likes and dislikes and teach foster parents and other people in their lives about them. Foster parents should endeavor to teach foster children about the world, but foster children should teach their foster parents about themselves.
How can you help your foster child to learn about himself (or herself)? Foster children who have endured a lot of hardships, neglect, or abuse may not have had enough safety, time or energy to tune into themselves and discover very much about who they really are. Finding oneself is a process that can't really be forced, but foster parents can provide abundant opportunities for foster children to make strides nonetheless. Begin by listening carefully to your foster child to learn about what interests him. Interests may be simple, like an affinity for a particular type of pet or a desire to visit a particular state. Depending on your foster child's interest, you may be able to arrange an activity or an event around it. Giving your foster child the opportunity to develop his interest will let him know that you care about what he wants while allowing him the ability to decide whether he really truly is interested in that thing.
A child who doesn't have the opportunity to explore his interests when he is young may have a difficult time discovering his true nature. It's beneficial for your foster children to have the chance to do some personal explorations while in your care. These personal explorations will help shape your foster child's ideas about what kind of work he would like to do when he grows into an adult, what he values, and how he wants to live. Giving your foster child the ability and opportunity to explore his interests will help him develop self-confidence and self-esteem, which will be important whether your foster child returns to his birth family or ends up living with you as an adopted child.
Many of your foster child's experiences in his birth family will impact how his interests and values develop. Seeking out experiences that interest your foster child can help him out in a big way. Experiences that are interesting and moderately challenging for your foster child will help you bond and have fun with him, which is, of course, extremely important. Paying attention to your foster child's interests and orchestrating opportunities to interact with those interests communicates that you are trying to understand and learn about your foster child. But, in addition, these experiences can also be cathartic and therapeutic, as well. Children develop their interests based on their personal inclinations as well as environmental influences. Sometimes interests have to do with mastery needs. By having respect for these needs, you can give your foster child a sense of identity and the sense that someone out there cares about how his life turns out.
One of the most important part of helping your foster child find himself has to do with simply talking to your child about his interests and showing him that you care. Whether you have the time or the ability to get your foster child involved in activities that interest him or not, talk with your child and try to understand who he is. Your interest in your foster child will help inspire him to take interest in himself.
Help Your Foster Children Find Themselves